Blast from the Past

September 29, 2009

I wish I knew where to start. I wish I knew what to say. I wish I could feel just one thing, one emotion. If I could feel just one single feeling, then maybe I could truly feel something and focus on it and deal with it. Instead, I feel numb. Dead. If I allow myself to feel, I feel about 500 things at once, and it is incredibly overwhelming. I have to be blank, I just can’t take it. I wish I could reach deep down to the place where I have locked away all of my emotions and pull one out at a time. Then I could feel each one individually, deeply, and completely, then process it and move on to the next. Instead, I just feel dead. And if I’m completely honest with myself, a huge part of me wishes I *were* dead so I wouldn’t have to feel. The only thing keeping a glimmer of life alive inside of me is my son.

As quickly as the urge to write came over me, it is gone. This is all so fucked up.

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Thank you for opening up and sharing these entries. Based on the entries that I have read compared to this entry that you just posted, I’d agree that you have come a long way. It’s only natural and normal for there to be hard times, lonely times and those times that you don’t know how you are going to go on. From what I’ve read you are a strong amazing woman and you will get through this – this with with many other amazing people by your side.

Thank you for sharing your story! I cannot begin to imagine the pain,and everything else that you go through on a daily basis. I am new to your blog, but I am very encouraged by your willingness to go on through the pain, I am looking forward to following your journey.


Thank you Suzanne! Sometimes it’s hard to see how far time has brought us, and revisiting the raw emotions of the past can really help. I appreciate your support!


Thank you so much for visiting the blog, Kristle! It’s difficult, but I’ve found encouragement in writing and in people like you!

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