September 29, 2009
I wish I knew where to start. I wish I knew what to say. I wish I could feel just one thing, one emotion. If I could feel just one single feeling, then maybe I could truly feel something and focus on it and deal with it. Instead, I feel numb. Dead. If I allow myself to feel, I feel about 500 things at once, and it is incredibly overwhelming. I have to be blank, I just can’t take it. I wish I could reach deep down to the place where I have locked away all of my emotions and pull one out at a time. Then I could feel each one individually, deeply, and completely, then process it and move on to the next. Instead, I just feel dead. And if I’m completely honest with myself, a huge part of me wishes I *were* dead so I wouldn’t have to feel. The only thing keeping a glimmer of life alive inside of me is my son.
As quickly as the urge to write came over me, it is gone. This is all so fucked up.