I just put my kiddo to bed a baby… and he will wake a school boy. Tomorrow my precious Little Man starts preschool at Montessori.
in what feels like the blink of an eye.
Grief robbed me of so many days, I feel like I need a do-over. Where did the time go? How did we get from NICU release and medications and monitors at home for months, to “I can do it Mommy!” and lunchboxes and backpacks and SCHOOL? I feel like I have a vague recollection of crawling and babbling, first words and first steps… and a hazy rendering of potty training and counting and ABC’s. But it all went too fast, in a period of time when I was too numb, and now that I have clarity again I am waking up to a time that seems slightly fractured.
And at the same time, I feel selfish to have such greed for his presence. At least I am here with him, to see his smile and feel his hugs and hear his laughter, to experience the wonder that is a child of my own flesh, to witness the daily unfolding of our little miracle: an experience that his father was not afforded. Emotional turmoil or not, The Hubs would have given anything to be with his boy, to experience even a slight part of what we have lived in the last 35 months.
I am so excited for our Little Man. I love his enthusiasm, his eagerness, his aptitude and possibilities. Seeing him so hopeful and thirsty for knowledge and experience makes my heart swell. He is ready for this next step and I know he is going to thrive. That passion and potential is what every parent wants their child to feel and embrace. But it is so hard to know it is the first step that will carry him away on his journey to independence. I know that this new chapter will be so great for him, and ultmately that is all that I care about…
But I miss my baby. I miss the time I didn’t get to fully embrace. And as we enter a new season, I mourn for the ones past that I feel I didn’t get to soak in. And I mourn for the next milestone that his father won’t get to experience.
Happy 1st day of school, Little Man. Mommy and Daddy are so proud of you. <3